Read the introduction
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INTRODUCTION
Can you give yourself a time out?
I.
What’s the first thing to do when you find yourself in a ditch?
Stop digging.
II.
Imagine a child you love is holding a spiny sea urchin. It’s not poisonous, but you certainly don’t want her to clench her fist tight around it. If she is holding it tightly, what would you ask her to do? Carefully open her hand.
A sea urchin I found in Barbados.
Isn’t it wild looking?!
If you are reading this, it means that the marriage in your hand is probably really painful for you right now.
So the first thing I want to do is invite you to take some deep breaths and gently, bravely…open your hand.
At a certain point, when my life was feeling particularly shaken, I felt God was asking me to get still and quiet and hold everything with an open hand. My marriage, my work, my way of seeing the world, everything. Not to toss anything...it was all still in my hand. It was more a matter of loosening my grip. I got to the place where I wanted to hold everything up to the light more. Examine it from more angles. Hear other perspectives. Allow it to potentially stay or go and be less in my “control.”
Are you feeling ready to open your mind to explore new perspectives?
Now may not be the time to make any huge decisions quite yet. But what if you, at least for a moment…unclench your hands, mind, and heart from your current feelings and beliefs about your relationship, your theological and philosophical ideas...and examine it all?
For some of you, your inner voice may be telling you the sea urchin in your hand is poisonous and that you need to drop it immediately. I’ve known women in marriages with spouses like rattlesnakes perpetually warning of danger…and women with spouses like cobras that seem to have lulled them into a trance where they can’t even see the threat anymore.
If this is you, ask yourself: Would I want this kind of marriage for my child? If the answer is a hard no, that’s a powerful signal you need to get yourself to safety. At least for now.
Can you see yourself as compassionately as you see the child in your imagination holding the creature? Can you do whatever it takes to protect yourself like you’d protect the child you love?
If you can’t do it for yourself yet, can you do it for your child/children (whether or not you’ve had them yet, and whether they are biological or even metaphorical)? Because here’s a hard truth: More is caught than taught. Your kid(s) will most likely end up in a relationship like yours. No matter what you tell them, they’ll repeat what they see you doing.
So many women feel pressure from the church/Bible to stay in decidedly dangerous relationships. Some because they’ve heard “God hates divorce” some because they feel like it’s their duty to love their spouse “into heaven” or “no matter what” or “for the kids’ sake.” We’ll look more closely at what the Bible says later, but for now, can you let go of what you’ve heard from others or what you feel like you’re “supposed to” do and listen intently to that compassionate inner wisdom inside you?
For others of you reading this, it’s just not clear to you. There is no clear inner voice saying, “GO!” Your internal dialogue may sound more like, “Well, it’s not like he ___________.” And, “I wouldn’t want this for my kids, but maybe we just need to work on things.”
Maybe it’s just pretty foggy, gray...muddy for you.
III.
Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?
— Lao Tzu
Moves of non-action and detachment are so counter to most Western Christian minds that they hardly occur to most of us as moves. But choosing to stop moving forward with the same thing you’ve been doing is an action.
I know how hard it can be to have a clear perspective when you’re overwhelmed in the swirl of painful emotions and the drama of an unhappy marriage.
And I know you want peace and clarity. I know you don’t want to hurt anyone.
But you’re also pushing up against some really painful questions:
How much am I supposed to take? (“Love keeps no record of wrong,” right? Or...not?)
Is there a line? If so, where is it?
Which parts of this mess are my responsibility? Which aren’t?
What would healing look like?
I want to invite you if at all possible, to give yourself a time out.
Is there any way you can get away by yourself for a few days—even a week?
Make it a “girls trip” if you need to. Rent a little cabin, a friend’s place at the beach, your sister’s basement, a room at a monastery, anything! Get out of the drama, get still and quiet, open your hand, and listen.
I actually spent a couple of years doing this and scouring books, podcasts, and the internet to examine things from many angles. I know not many people can take that kind of a time out.
So I’ve written a kind of CliffsNotes version of the most helpful things I’ve found from science to spirituality for you to take in like a potent IV on your personal retreat rather than the usual slow trail of breadcrumbs.
It’ll move quickly to cover a lot of territory. But it’s also full of references so you can dive deeper into anything that feels important for you to soak in longer. You can read the whole thing in a few hours, but it’s probably ideal to give yourself time to let it metabolize.
If you really can’t afford to give yourself a little personal retreat, that’s ok. It’s still definitely worth it to read even five minutes a day.
By the end, I trust you will have much more clarity, orientation, and understanding of where you want to go and how to follow your own inner guidance to get there.
Do yourself a favor: face these questions. Learn what healing and a healthy relationship with yourself and others look like. You know your time (and therefore money), emotional energy, health, and all your relationships are suffering while you’re agonizing over this decision.
You don’t have to keep agonizing over this decision.
Clarity and healing (one way or the other) are waiting for you.
Ok, how are you feeling?
Do you notice any clenching in your body or holding your breath? How do these images of stopping and releasing your grip sit with you? Do they resonate with you? Or not?
What is that wise, compassionate knowing inside asking you to do now?
(Don’t worry about next week, next month, or even tomorrow yet. You’ll have guidance tomorrow, too.)
Can you be willing to not know what will happen with your marriage?
The Merton Prayer
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end, nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
— Thomas Merton
NEXT UP:
Part 1: How to Wait for Your Mud to Settle
Buy the Virtual Retreat
(Pay what you can. No judgement.)
Keep reading if you’re looking for a safe place to explore questions like these from scientific and spiritual perspectives:
How do I decide if I should stay in my marriage or not?
How can I heal?
What does the Bible really say about divorce?
Aren’t I supposed to just forgive and love unconditionally? Turn the other cheek?
Is it possible to repair my marriage?
What about my kids?
How can I tell the difference between my inner guidance and my wounded programming?
Read it online whenever works best for you.
Get away for a personal retreat or read it five minutes at a time.
Some readers will feel empowered to leave their marriage, some will feel empowered to stay.
Pay what you can. No pressure.
Many readers say it’s worth months of counseling but I also know a lot of people can’t afford that. You can pay as little as $15 and/or pay more if you’d like after you’ve read it.
Buy the Virtual Retreat
(Pay what you can. No judgement.)
