High Sensitivity
If you listened to the full podcast referenced in the last chapter, you heard Dr. Maté also share,
“The more sensitive you are, the more you feel. And the more you feel, the less it takes to hurt you. So that events or circumstances that to somebody who’s less sensitive, more stolid, will not touch them that deeply at all. But the very sensitive person experiences them very deeply. And it can make a lot of pain.”
Now, for many of us, we grew up (before the age of vulnerability champion Brene Brown—if you don’t know her work, google her and dive in!) with the idea that being sensitive is a weakness and it’s better to be strong—as if strong is the opposite of sensitive. I know that was the message I internalized as a kid.
I am unquestionably highly sensitive. And I learned to view sensitivity as a weakness—a flaw even. It has taken me a long time to come to see sensitivity as a strength.
Now I see my sensitivity less like fragile glass and more like a powerful jaguar.
When this new image occurred to me, it held so much of the research I had learned. Yes! A jaguar is highly sensitive and strong!
We now know that 15-20% of the human population is literally wired neurologically, physiologically, to be significantly more sensitive than the rest of the population (for example, some people have more tastebuds on their tongues than other people). That high of a number means that it’s not a “disorder” but a different survival strategy—one with a ratio maintained in every animal tested species—deer, fish, and fruit flies, included. The consistency suggests this ratio is good for the population’s survival as a whole.
Discovering Dr. Elaine Aron’s work on The Highly Sensitive Person was a life-changing revelation for me. She offers a free online self-test here. I highly recommend learning more about this trait if you think this might be you. She has taught me to see it as a gift, albeit one that requires extra coping skills.
And, to complicate matters a bit, yes, wounded people are more sensitive.
Hurt people hurt people.
Imagine someone with a huge open gash on their arm. Are they going to want you to touch it? Or even touch anywhere near it? Might they yell at you and push you away if you recklessly get too close? Yes. Are they going to want to chat about your dreams for the future? Or even what to have for dinner that night? No. Are you going to get mad at them for being selfish and defensive? No. They are going to be (understandably) focused solely on protecting their wound and getting to an emergency room.
Can you imagine how this image transfers to someone with big, invisible emotional wounds?
Take a minute to think about you and your spouse…
Can you imagine how the trauma and high sensitivity you/they/both of you are experiencing now intensifies this difficult stage in your marriage?
Have one or both of you always been highly sensitive? Can you learn to see that as a real and valuable part of who you/they are?
What happens when a jaguar (or any other less physiologically sensitive) wild animal feels threatened, attacked, wounded, or backed into a corner?
Can you be more compassionate toward you/your spouse when you imagine emotional wounds as physical wounds?
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