Me, You, We
This chapter may seem like a revelation to you, super obvious, or simultaneously both. Between the messages we received from our family of origin, our culture and movies, or from that slow boil of an unhealthy relationship, sometimes we’ve never seen, or we’ve just slowly lost sight of what a healthy relationship looks like.
When psychologists talk about the way we relate to others, they talk about Attachment Theory. Our attachment style is usually established in childhood, and then we look for adult relationships that feel similar.
A healthy relationship is one where each partner takes up an equal amount of space as individuals and as a we. The we can be seen almost as a third presence in the relationship. Like, you can ask, What do I need? What do you need? What do we need?
A Healthy Relationship / Secure Attachment
It can be tricky to find that right balance but for me, visually seeing this as the goal is super helpful.
Relationships with healthy, secure attachments tend to be intimate, durable, and share mutual trust. They enjoy a secure connection and feel free to explore outside that base as well.
“Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. Securely attached couples don’t tend to engage in what psychologist Robert Firestone, describes as a “Fantasy Bond,” an illusion of connection that provides a false sense of safety. In a fantasy bond, a couple foregoes real acts of love for more of a routine, emotionally cut-off form of relating.” — Lisa Firestone Ph.D.
If you had to draw a Venn diagram of your relationship right now, how does it feel to you?
Here are some examples of unhealthy relationship dynamics and some language and insight for each of them.
Hyper-Individuality & Dominance
One end of the spectrum is hyper-individuality. Here, the individuals set up strong and rigid boundaries and may fear being controlled by others, taken advantage of, and not valued, known, or safe in the relationship. There could be an equal presence of two individuals who have little to no overlap as a we, but often one person’s presence dominates or outweighs the other. Each person feels a strong need to express their individuality in order to feel safe, or they fear existential annihilation. Here partners ignore their responsibilities to each other to protect their sense of self.
Enmeshment / Codependency
Enmeshment or codependency is on the other end of the spectrum. This dynamic is marked by little to no boundaries; little sense of where I begin and you end. Codependency is collapsing into each other and ignoring or avoiding the differences in each other, abandoning their sense of self or responsibilities to themselves in favor of keeping the we alive at all costs. An unhealthy overidentification as a we may be the result of a lack of inner safety, a fear of autonomy, or fear of abandonment.
Narcissism / Codependent
Narcissism is an extreme form of codependency when one individual sees the other as a subset, part, or extension of themselves. Individual A consumes all the power, dominates, and controls, while individual B concedes all the power and identity to the other. They find their self-worth and power in each other and may not be able to feel safe, whole, confident, or powerful on their own.
Attachment styles
Once we can see the dynamics as these simple circles, the questions arises: Which circle are you? And which direction do you tend to move in your default way of interacting under stress? When stressed, some people will move toward the other, while some people will move away from the relationship.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – People with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding, or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts. Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, “I don’t care.”
Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others. As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship. — Lisa Firestone Ph.D.
So where do you see yourself and your relationship in these representations? There may be elements of all of these situations present at the same time. But I bet you resonate with at least one of these patterns of unhealth.
AND even more so, I bet you resonate with the balanced image of a healthy, secure relationship at the top of the page. I think we all feel it and long for it.
Can you draw what your relationship looks like now? What moves would need to be made to get to a healthy, balanced, secure relationship?
To complexify things a bit (remember we want to look at things from many perspectives), lets end this chapter with some words of wisdom from our philosopher friend, Alain de Button. He wrote a New York Times article entitled Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person that you can read, or you can watch his follow up talk on the subject here.
How do his words sit with you? There may be parts you agree with, and some parts you don’t. That’s fine! It’s great, actually! It will refine your thinking and give you clarity either way.
(And, just in case you want to hear a little more, I love this conversation, too.)
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