What About My Kids?
We’ve touched on the subject of kids a few times now, but I want to add this final note because I know those of you who are mothers will feel the strong weight of this facet of the dilemma.
If you’ve heard about ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences, pictured below), you’ll know, divorce is on the list. It can be really difficult to knowingly add an adverse experience to your child’s life. But you have to look closely at what else is on that list. (And maybe what’s not on the list. I share the opinion that misattunement is an invisible ACE not explicitly on the official list.) Keeping your children in a difficult home may be more harmful than the harm coming from divorce.
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation
Look closely at the ACEs your child may already be experiencing and which ones they would face after a divorce.
And remember, trauma is less about what happens to us but what happens inside of us.
In a Washington Post article, Explaining Daddy’s Addiction, a mother leaving an alcoholic spouse asks for advice. Maté’s response:
“Your first job is to be responsible for not putting your children in harm’s way. But if the addicted parent can be a part of your children’s lives, he should be, Maté says.
...And then remember that the other important job you have is to “help the children endure pain, not [just] protect them from it,” Maté says. “You must let your children experience their emotions fully. When your children can safely express their emotions,” Maté said, “the feelings no longer control them—the anger is simply anger, the disappointment is disappointment. It doesn’t take root as more or less than what it is, and the family can face what is in front of them.”
Family therapist Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., who focuses a lot on attachment theory, says that creating a secure attachment with our kids is one of the most important things we can do as a parent. She sums it up this way, “Most of the time, are you making sure your kids feel safe, seen, and soothed?”
So what does that look like? Here are her four S’s for good parenting:
Safe
Protecting children from harm and not being the source of harm or fear. We don’t have to be perfect, but when we do occasionally yell or frighten a child, we need to quickly calm ourselves down, apologize, and repair the sense of safety in the relationship. Make sure your kids know you’ve got their back, you’re going to show up for them, and take care of them.
Seen
Seeing the heart and mind behind the child’s behavior. Understanding why and how a kid is doing what they're doing teaches them to eventually learn to do the same. Does your child feel known and understood by you?
Soothed
When your child is falling apart, you show up by comforting them, being present with them, and helping them move back to a place that feels better. Asking, “How can I help?” or “What do you need right now?” or just being present to let your child release their emotions will teach them resilience. They need your attuned and calming presence, not isolation.
Secure
When we have repeated predictable experiences of feeling safe, seen, and soothed, our brains and bodies feel secure. They will learn to believe that if they have a need, someone will show up for them and that as they grow up, they will learn how to show up for themselves, how to understand themselves, and how to soothe themselves. And they will choose healthier friendships and relationships. They learn they are deeply loved and not alone.
Research suggests that as long as kids have even one adult offering this kind of care, the negative impacts of ACEs on their lives can significantly decrease.
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