Acceptance, Forgiveness & Reason

Neutrality and willingness, ok, that can feel do-able. But moving up to acceptance and forgiveness? That can be a lot harder to embrace.

Part of that, though, I think might be our lack of clarity on what acceptance and forgiveness mean.

Acceptance does not mean accepting that what happened was ok. It means accepting that it happened or is happening as it is, rather than how we want to see it or hope it will become. (Like, it may mean accepting that your current situation is unhealthy or dangerous even, or it may mean recognizing that you actually are safe and it’s just old triggers telling you it’s unsafe.)

Accepting means not living in denial of what is really happening or resisting what is really trying to happen. 

And maybe the hardest part about acceptance: accepting our own responsibilities in a situation rather than blaming others.

It also means accepting all the context of the situation. It means seeing that you and the people who have hurt you were/are hurting, too. I think this is why understanding and reason might be such close neighbors of forgiveness.

Jesus was able to genuinely say, “Father forgive them...because they don’t know what they are doing.” He could see that these people hurting him were trapped in fear and survival mode and not able to see or think clearly and lovingly.

It means accepting the kinds of capacities the people in your life actually have. 

(You wouldn’t ask for money from a homeless person. Why would you ask for love from someone who doesn’t know how to love?)

It also means forgiving yourself—forgiving yourself for things you did while stuck in survival mode. Forgiving yourself for being stuck in survival mode. Understanding why you did what you did.

Forgiveness is something you first do for yourself. It does not mean you don’t feel bitterness or anger or grief or sadness. It means you feel them and then release them...instead of storing those self-corroding toxins in your mind and body. 

It does not mean you have to let the other person back into your life to continue to hurt you—that’s not reasonable. It does not mean forgetting. 

As you are able to release all those things, you are able to see and think more clearly, and new options may become visible for you.

“People frequently die in fires or crash landings because they try to escape through the same door they used when they entered. In their panic, they rely on an established pattern instead of thinking of another way out. In the same manner, our suffering, our disengagement, our relationship challenges, and our other life difficulties are almost never solved by thinking in the same old, automatic way.” 

― Susan David, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life

Turn the other cheek?

We can’t talk about forgiveness without addressing the verses about “turning the other cheek.” I know I wondered a lot about this. Aren’t I supposed to just turn the other cheek and endure whatever wrongs come my way? Like, love my oppressors by serving them?

And didn’t Jesus willingly endure violence and call us into danger, too?

Good questions.

The short answer is that I don’t have any rules for you to follow here. That may be what Jesus meant. But I think it’s worth taking a closer look at how “turning the other cheek” may have been intended as a radical, revolutionary act of nonviolent resistance.

First, the passage in Matthew 5:

“Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven.”

And now for some interesting historical context:

The backhand was not a blow to injure but to insult, humiliate, degrade.

It was not administered to an equal, but to an inferior.

Masters backhanded slaves; husbands, wives; parents, children; Romans, Jews.

The whole point of the blow was to force someone who was out of line back into place.

Notice Jesus’ audience: “If anyone strikes you.” These are people used to being thus degraded.

He is saying to them, “Refuse to accept this kind of treatment anymore. If they backhand you, turn the other cheek.”

(Now you really need to physically enact this to see the problem.)

By turning the cheek, the servant makes it impossible for the master to use the backhand again: his nose is in the way. And anyway, it’s like telling a joke twice; if it didn’t work the first time, it simply won’t work.

The left cheek now offers a perfect target for a blow with the right fist; but only equals fought with fists, as we know from Jewish sources, and the last thing the master wishes to do is to establish this underling’s equality.

This act of defiance renders the master incapable of asserting his dominance in this relationship. He can have the slave beaten, but he can no longer cow him.

By turning the cheek, then, the “inferior” says: “I’m a human being, just like you. I refuse to be humiliated any longer. I am your equal. I am a child of God. I won’t take it anymore.”

 — The Powers that Be: Theology for a New Millennium, Walter Wink.

If you want to dig deeper into this idea, listen to Rob Bell’s talk on the Third Way here. 

When we “turn the other cheek” in whatever form, it exposes the violence, force, and dominating stance of the other when we are not fighting back. There’s something empowering about seeing that violence exposed publicly, or even just privately when you’re the only one to witness it. It has come to the surface, come out, and can be seen and responded to for what it is.

What about facing danger & loving our enemies?

As for Jesus willingly enduring violence, keep in mind that he also asked multiple times for the “cup to be taken” from him and repeatedly avoided or fled places where he knew people were trying to persecute him.

It seems to me that his example was to protect himself when possible and to always be willing to follow the specific instructions he heard as he heard them, releasing control of the outcomes. Or, as our teachers Elsa and Anna would say, “Let it go” and “Do the next right thing.”

And, lastly, yes, God may ask you to enter dangerous situations or face enemies bravely, but there is no evidence that God intended your home or marriage to be one of them. Marriage is meant to be a place of safety, refuge, love, and healing for you and your kids.

NEXT UP:

Love

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