Love
I hope this progression of emotions is starting to make sense to you. And that it might be helping you to at least imagine a path forward for yourself with a little more clarity.
Once we have been able to forgive and understand, real love becomes much more available to us.
“Love as depicted in the mass media is not what this level implies. On the contrary, what the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotionality combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism, and novelty. It is usually evanescent and fluctuating, waxing and waning with varying conditions. When frustrated, this emotion often reveals an underlying anger and dependency that it had masked. That love can turn to hate is a common concept, but what is being spoken about rather than love is an addictive sentimentality and attachment. Hate stems from Pride, not Love.”
― David R. Hawkins, Power vs. Force
So what is this Love? Here’s a familiar answer:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
One of the clearest things I see about this higher love is that this kind of love liberates. It does not try to force or control. It holds space for the beloved to expand into the fullest version of themselves, without any projections or demands.
God never coerces us toward life or love by any threats whatsoever. Yes, God seduces us, but coercion? Never (see Jeremiah 20:7; Matthew 11:28–30). Whoever this God is, he or she is utterly free. Love cannot happen any other way. Love flourishes inside freedom and then increases that freedom even more.
We are all allowed to ride life and love’s wonderful mystery for a few years—until life and love reveal themselves as the same thing, which is the final and full message of the risen Christ—life morphing into a love that is beyond space and time. God literally “breathes” shalom and forgiveness into the universal air (John 20:22–23). We get to add our own finishing touches of love, our own life breath to the Great Breath, and then we return the completed package to its maker in a brand-new but also same form.
I believe the meaning of the Resurrection of Jesus is summed up in the climactic line from the Song of Songs, “love is stronger than death” (8:6). If the blank white banner that the Risen Christ usually holds in Christian art should say anything, it should say: “Love will win!” Love is all that remains. Love and life are finally the same thing, and we know that for ourselves once we have walked through death.
Love has you. Love is you. Love alone, and your deep need for love, recognizes love everywhere else. Remember that you already are what you are seeking.
— Father Richard Rohr
Remember that we are drawn up by love.
You don’t have to muscle or force yourself to love more or better. (You can’t.)
Love has you. It’s the lifejacket that’s already in every cell in your being. You just have to safely let it in to your awareness. (Often through others.) Let it hold you. It will transform you.
It’s safe to bet you’re not feeling it in your marriage right now, but I bet you can still find it.
Is love a feeling or an action?
Yes, love is more than a feeling. Love means you stay curious, respectful, compassionate, trusting, and grateful, imagining better reasons for hurtful actions, extending yourself toward the other in nurturing ways…even when you don’t feel like it.
But it is also a real feeling. (And I’m not talking about the chemical takeover that is infatuation, aka, limerence.)
Hawkins identifies the emotion corresponding with love as reverence, or deep respect. Love is profoundly respecting the individuality, growth, and free will of the other, knowing and holding space for the other.
We feel loved when we feel seen, heard, accepted, and understood—attuned to, or feeling felt.
You feel loved when you feel like someone sees you, gets you, and is there for you. When you know that person has your back, wants the best for you. When someone gives you space to feel safe to be fully you.
One thing I love about this Love part is that it’s something Jesus was fairly clear on.
When Pharisees came to Jesus asking, “What’s the greatest commandment in the Law?” he gave a clear answer:
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40
I like to think that if Jesus were answering this question in today’s context, he would add something about loving the natural world, too, but maybe that’s beside the point.
The point is that love is the point.
There’s a big part I think we tend to miss, though, especially as women.
If someone were to test you right now on how you’re doing with these commandments, which one of these categories—loving God, loving others, loving yourself—would you get the lowest score in?
Most women I know, usually put themselves far last. And for so long, that’s what the culture has celebrated—especially church culture—especially for women.
How have you been doing at seeing, hearing, understanding, being there for, and deeply respecting yourself?
The thing is, when we don’t love ourselves, we actually can’t love others well.
"How can I be deeply present to another if I'm not first present to myself? Thomas Merton once said, 'Is it possible you could live your whole life and never meet the person who's lived your life?' That's a scary thought. So how can I get quiet enough by myself or in nature or a poem or whatever it is that helps me get to a deeper place where I get in touch with and grounded in my own soul?
God doesn't know your illusions of who you think you are, God eternally knows who you eternally are. How can you learn to join God in knowing who you are so you and God both know who you are?"
— Jim Finley
Isn’t love supposed to be unconditional?
For many of you, I imagine that line “love bears/endures all things” is glaring at you. It did for me at least.
Ok. Deep breath.
Let’s face it.
Have your compassionate curiosity on hand for the feelings it brings up in you.
I don’t have any answers for you here, but I’d encourage you to read this short article on the Myth of Unconditional Love and see what you think.
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Beyond that, here are some hard questions to help you examine what you believe and where God may be trying to guide you. As you consider them, keep in mind that Golden Rule: love your neighbor as yourself—as in, equally.
At this point in your journey, is it more loving to you and your spouse to stay and try to heal your relationship? Or is it more loving to you and your spouse (and your kids if you have them) for you to leave the marriage?
Could leaving or separating from the marriage for a while offer more opportunity for you and your spouse (and your kids if you have them) to heal?
When the Bible talks about unconditional love, who is it talking about? (Remember, there are multiple kinds of love. When the Bible says we are to unconditionally love everyone—it doesn’t mean we are to be married to or have sex with them…you still have boundaries with them…)
Do you have to be married to your spouse to love them?
Is it possible you could love your spouse better from a distance?
Do you want to be the one to love your spouse in the ways only a wife can? …If the answer is no, is it loving to fill that seat in their life so that no one else can have it?
Try to imagine a good friend of yours in your shoes in a marriage just like yours. What would you say to them?
What is the next step you can take to equally love and deeply respect the individuals in your family?
Now, for a potential wrench, in John’s account, Jesus also said the greatest love is to lay down one’s life for their friends. (John 15:13) I’m not disagreeing. But:
Does your spouse treat you like a friend? (That rule seems to work well when it’s mutual.)
If the answer is no, Is it even loving to your spouse to enable them to continue harming you? You know how there can be an “enabler” to an alcoholic? Are you enabling your spouse to continue being a less than best version of themselves?
You don’t have to answer all these questions now. Just start to consider them. See what kind of other questions they bring up in you. Just start mulling it over.
P.S. The most effective way I’ve found to achieve the “quick coherence” the Heartmath people talk about falls into this love section. It doesn’t mean you get to skip or repress all the hard feelings; you’ll still need to feel them and let them out little by little along the way. But the best way I’ve found to get some real relief from the hard feelings is to entrain my heart to this feeling of love.
The easiest way for me in the post-separation and post-divorce chapters was/is to think about (or even easier, snuggle with) one of my kids and feel how much I love them. Not think about, but feel it.
I find it too hard to try this when I’m upset...it’s usually too big of a leap. But in a moment when I’m feeling ok, but not awesome...that’s a great time to practice this. It’s a little like a work out for your feelings. But it's even more like upgrading a trail through a gnarly, briared-up thicket to a smooth, clear, easy path through a beautiful forest. :)
Eventually, I invited my youngest son (who was also struggling with his strong emotions) to try it with me one evening when he was already calm. We did it for ten minutes. When the timer went off, he said, “That felt really good! Can we do it another ten minutes? Actually, can we do that every morning?”
When you’ve spent just a little time focusing on that feeling when it’s easy, it becomes so much easier to tap back into and find that feeling again throughout the day.
It might be worth trying while physically or metaphorically holding someone you can easily find the feeling of love for—your kids, a parent, a friend, a pet, a place, whatever! It may also help to physically put your hand over your heart to help you focus. Gently find that feeling and let it grow inside you. Set a timer for two minutes, ten minutes, or whatever feels good to you.
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