Boundaries

Right next to flourishing lies the subject of boundaries.

I heard a lot of messages from a lot of churchy sources that subtly or overtly shamed needs as being almost a spiritual failure. Like there was this divide where the “spiritual” was the only thing that really mattered and that any other things (can we even call them needs??) were kind of less real, and you just needed to pray and trust God to meet those not so important “needs.” Or that you should just keep sacrificing your needs for the needs of others.

It seems that for myself and so many women I talk with, establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves is one of our biggest growth areas. For many of us, we’ve never seen healthy boundaries modeled, so we are pretty lost on what it looks like, and it feels wrong to even do it.

But when we don’t set good boundaries for ourselves, we hurt ourselves and ultimately end up so depleted that we hurt others, too.

source

What do healthy boundaries look like?

For the longest time, mostly subconsciously, I thought about drawing boundaries at the line of “What are the bare minimums I need to survive?” It took me a long time to realize I could draw boundaries at the lines of “What do I need to feel safe or ok?” and even beyond that, “What do I need to enjoy life?”

As I learned more about flourishing and embraced the idea that it was something meant for me,  my thoughts about boundaries gradually shifted.

In case it’s helpful and validating for you to see human needs listed out this way, the Center for Nonviolent Communication has developed this really nice Needs Inventory. This list is another way of answering the question, What do I need to enjoy life?

Having healthy boundaries just means you have a good sense of what you need and are able to take responsibility for your flourishing.

Generally, healthy boundaries look like:

• Saying “no” without guilt

• Asking for what you want or need

• Taking care of yourself

• Not thinking it’s your responsibility to fix others

• Saying yes because you want to, not out of obligation or pleasing others

• Behaving according to your own values and beliefs

• Taking responsibility for yourself, your feelings, your mistakes and failures

• Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and disagree

• Feeling alright if someone else gets upset

• Feeling supported to pursue your own goals

• Being treated as an equal

• Taking responsibility for your own happiness

• Not feeling responsible for the happiness of others

• Being in tune with your own feelings

• Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like

• Knowing where I stop and another person begins.

How do you find your personal boundaries?

1. Listen to your body. When you listen to the subtle communication from the exquisite instruments of your body, you will find that your body will always signal when you are near a personal limit. Your jaw may tighten, you may notice you are holding your breath. You may get fidgety, wobbly, or prickly. You may get hot; your palms may start to sweat. My armpits sometimes get itchy! Get to know your body’s cues and get curious about the boundary your body is pointing to. 

2. Listen to your anger & unhappiness. When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining, complaining, feeling used, or taken advantage of, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do, or say, then communicate calmly, briefly, and assertively.

3. Notice your energy levels. If you find yourself repeatedly out of energy, you probably need to set boundaries to preserve more of your energy or use more of your time in ways that replenish your energy.

4. Accept differences. You will not have the same boundaries as everyone else. Your spouse will have different needs and therefore different boundaries from you. That’s ok. Heck, you’ll even have different boundaries from yourself from day to day and year to year and person to person. Your boundaries can be flexible. And you have the right to change your mind about a boundary at any time. Just make sure you communicate the change clearly.

5. Give it time. If you ever feel caught off guard by someone crossing a boundary, it’s ok to give yourself time to say, “I need some time to think about what just happened. I’d like to revisit this conversation soon.” And in general, it can just take time and trial and error to figure it out.

How do you communicate your boundaries well?

Assertively communicating your boundaries is a learned skill. It takes practice. Here are some rules of thumb:

• Try to communicate your boundaries in a calm moment.

• Be mindful to try to approach the other person with an energy of respect.

• Be clear, brief, and direct.

• You don’t owe anyone an explanation. But if it’s a relationship you care about and want to build, here’s a helpful template you can follow if you want to say more:
  

I feel ____ when ______ because _________.

I need _______________________________.

In the future can you ___________________?

You can use the Needs Inventory above to help you fill in that needs line. The Center for Nonviolent Communication also has this great Feelings Inventory to help you fill in the feelings blank.

Crossed boundaries

When you experience someone crossing a boundary you have set, try to address the violation as calmly and quickly as possible. Don’t wait for the situation to escalate. Don’t try to control the other person’s actions. Just take action in a way that keeps you aligned with your values and commitments.

For example, you might start with a gentle reminder as soon as you start to feel uncomfortable, “Remember how I was telling you I need more space? I’m feeling it right now…” Or when a line is crossed, calmly say, “I’m leaving the room now. I’m not willing to have a conversation with someone speaking to me that way.” Or, “I’m calling an Uber. I don’t like being with you when you’ve been drinking this much.” 

Rather than launching into a lecture or argument about them, focus on what action you can take to respect your own needs.

I find it helpful in these escalating moments to keep reminding myself that no one can make me feel anything for any long period of time. As Eleanor Roosevelt said,  “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Similarly, in most of our situations, no one can make me feel depleted; I can let myself get depleted. No one can make me yell at them in anger; how I speak to someone is entirely my choice.

Asserting our boundaries can take some real conscious effort, but this is how we get our power back.

Owning our boundaries is where we draw a circle around ourselves and say, “This is me. This is what I’m responsible for.”

NEXT UP:

Me, You, We

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