Next Steps: Flourishing
Now we’ve seen this beautiful path that can be before us...hopefully enough for you to start to feel it a little bit, too.
And...then there’s the reality of where you are now, in a mess, facing a very big decision.
Rather than trying to solve all the relationship problems at once or even making any massive, life-changing decisions right now, (if your relationship is safe) can you commit a good stretch of time to focus on you getting as healthy as possible? Try to give yourself lots of time (like months not days) to make this big decision. (And if you can’t, that might be helpful information showing you an answer, too.)
Focus as much as you can on understanding yourself and taking steps toward your own healing.
This focus will help you the most, whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not.
As long as you are mired in the stress/survival response, you will not be able to see or think clearly. And to be honest, you won’t have great chances of repairing your relationship or making a strong new start in this state anyway. And since you don’t have any control over what your spouse or family or community does, kind of all you can do is focus on your growth, healing, and flourishing.
What does it look like for me to flourish?
Years ago, I realized I really didn’t know what it would look like for me to flourish.
The realization began after I had my first baby, who happened to be a girl. I became a stay at home mom and began dreaming about my hopes for her life. The more I thought about it, I realized I really just wanted her to pursue her dreams and become the fullest version of herself possible.
But then I immediately started fretting: How will I know how to help her do that? How do I know if I should get her started in ballet or soccer, or robotics? And how will I know when I was wrong and need to change gears? In a flash of peace and buzzing energy, an answer and a question came to me at the same time.
The answer was: You have to do it—you have to model it for her. Her best chance of pursuing her dreams and living fully is if she sees you pursuing yours and living fully. (My dad always said, “More is caught than taught.”)
The question that came was: Why don’t you give yourself the same space? Isn’t that really what your mom wanted for you, and her mom wanted for her? How many generations of girls do we have to go through until a boy is born who gets to follow his own dreams?
This may seem like a really obvious thing to you, but it was a revelation for me.
I started to get serious about my dreams. And I quickly realized I had no idea what my dreams really were! But suddenly I didn’t feel selfish to pursue them; I felt responsible to.
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Not too long after that, I came across a picture of a groom giving his bride a gift on their wedding day. It had this line written on it:
“I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.” — Pablo Neruda
It struck me as a beautiful thing to say to a beloved (and I kinda wished my husband would say that to me!), but I didn’t think any more of it.
A few days later, I woke up from a dream that felt important. You know what I mean? It felt like something real. I reached to reel it back in before it was gone. I just caught the tail end of the dream: I saw someone planting this stick of a tree in this beautiful place.
What was that about? Why had that felt important?
And an answer came to me: I was the cherry tree. And God was saying to me, “I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.”
It was so powerful. I was so surprised but I felt it.
And it was way better than my husband saying it, too. I mean, God that made the whole universe wanted me to bloom as fully as a cherry tree in the spring? Who was I or anyone else to get in the way of that?
I felt seen and cared for. And I felt motivated to get on board with what God was trying to do with me.
It felt like a turning point. But I also lost the feeling easily. Someone surprised me with a bracelet with the Neruda line written on it. I found it so helpful to keep seeing it and being reminded of the promise so many times a day. Honestly, I wore it every day for a couple years until I felt more stabilized in the belief.
Every time I was confronted with a decision, I’d ask myself, will this help me bloom? When I’d catch myself thinking or saying something negative, I’d think, hmm...that wasn’t me blooming.
I spent years researching human flourishing from scientific, philosophical, and spiritual perspectives... What does it look like for me to bloom? How can I get on board with that?
Eventually, I distilled what I’d found into this self-assessment...
I want to share this self-assessment with you here in case you, too, would benefit from a clear picture of what it looks like to flourish or how to care for yourself well.
For a long time, I’d take the test at the first of each month as a way to check in with myself. Over time, the questions became a part of me, and I don’t have to work so hard or consciously at it anymore.
Please don’t see it as rules or something you have to do perfectly, though. All you really need to do is good enough, most of the time. And if you totally bomb it, don’t panic. Just pick a few small steps to improve in. (Massive changes aren’t sustainable. It takes too much energy. Just small steps.)
Hold the results lightly. It’s meant to be something more like checking in a mirror. Sometimes you may look pretty good. Other times you may see you’ve got bedhead or kale in your teeth. It’s ok. It’s not who you are. Just adjust and move on. (Wouldn’t you rather know when you’ve got kale in your teeth? And which tooth it’s in? I’m gonna be that friend for you.)
Because here’s the truth: The God that made the universe wants to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
It may take some pruning some dead branches. It may take some fertilizer (i.e., shit) to get you there. It may take a long winter followed by some storms. But that’s ok. That’s just how it works. And it will keep going like that, you know, seasons. Cycles. Waves. Movement.
The question is just: Are you going to get on board with God wanting you to bloom or are you going to resist it?
I want you to get to the place where you want this simply because you value yourself enough. But in case you’re not there yet, I want you to know that in all the research I’ve done, I’ve become convinced that a whole and flourishing version of me is truly the best thing I can give to my family and everyone else, too.
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